Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's Been 6 Years

Today marks the 6th anniversary since my father's death. I have been looking through old pictures tonight, just to feel closer to him and relive some memories. I found the following passage that I wrote the year he died. I never published it, or shared it with anyone before now. It's a painful reminder of just how hard those days were, but I'm glad that I wrote it down. It reminds me that good things happened that year too! 

The day that I have been dreading for weeks is finally here.  This is the first Father’s Day since Pop passed away. I’ve tried to focus on my husband, making this day as special as I can for him, but it’s been hard not to let my mind wonder.  It’s Father’s Day and I don’t have a father to visit, call, or send a card to.  I’m only 29 years old, and already I’ve been denied that opportunity. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Yesterday was Logan’s last T-ball game of the season and the coach gave Aidan a jersey and let him take the last at bat. The look on his face was priceless, and all I could think was that my dad would have been so proud of him. He hit the ball on the first swing and they let him run all of the bases. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him smile so big. I wish my dad could have seen him. I wish he could have seen Logan play pitcher and hit the ball into the outfield. I wish that he could teach my boys all that he taught me about baseball when I was young.

There are so many things that I wish for, but more than anything I just wish that I had one more day with him. I would tell him how much his unconditional love and support has meant to me over the years. I would tell him that no matter what, he will always be my hero, and I hope that I made him proud. I would reminisce about the old days with all of the hockey games, the trips to New Hampshire, the pool parties and the boyfriends that were never good enough for me in his eyes. I would sit with him and look at pictures of Christmas with Naoelle, and all of the vacations that we took to Mexico together. I would even watch the old M.A.S.H. reruns that I so frequently protested about when I was at his house. I would do anything that made him happy, if only I could have the chance.

I guess that I am luckier than some. When Pop died I didn’t have any regrets. I always told him that I loved him when I spoke to him on the phone. We spoke frequently and for long periods of time. He was a great listener.  I had also just spent Christmas with him and the rest of my family. I was scheduled to work that Christmas Eve, and when I didn’t go into work that day, I lost my job. My boss asked me, “What’s four hours away from your family, in the grand scheme of things?”  Little did we all know that that would be my last Christmas Eve with my Father. Spending that time with him and my family was well worth losing that job.  Those were four hours that I would never be able to get back, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.  So I have no regrets about the time that I spent with him, or the things that I said or didn’t say. I loved him everyday of my life, and he loved me with all of his heart.  That is what I hang onto now that he’s gone; that and all of our memories. 

My Dad and I on my wedding day

1 comment:

The Merry Band of Fife said...

I absolutely share many of the sentiments you wrote. I too didn't have a lot of regrets when my mom passed - we'd just had a nice phone conversation and exchanged I love yous less than two hours before she passed. And I, in a very uncharacteristic way, had thrown financial caution to the wind two months earlier and flew out there to surprise her for her 50th birthday. I'll always remember that as the best "bad" decision I've ever made. Thanks for sharing today!


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