Curve Balls

Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls lately, and I feel like I need to write about it to help me process. What I had planned for the next few years is now up in the air. My plan was to start school in the fall to get my Surgical Technician certification. I was going to start working full time next year in the fall, and life would continue with us as a family of 5. Now I'm not sure that school is an option this year, or if we will someday be a family of 6.

So here is what happened...I went to take my math placement test at the community college that I planned to attend. I aced the test and everything was good, until the advisor told me that I would need to take anatomy and physiology BEFORE I could start the surg. tech program. According to their website A & P is part of the first semester of classes. I had no idea I would need that before I would be admitted! They only start classes for this program in the fall, so she said that I would be looking at fall 2010 to get started. Have I mentioned that that wasn't part of the plan? She said that I could add my name to the applicant "pool" but that they only take about 16 or so students out of about 30 and most of them will have already had A & P, putting me farther down on the list. I'm just so frustrated! I thought I had it all planned out and now I don't know what to do. I'm taking a CNA class starting in April, so hopefully I can get a weekend job with that until I start school...

My second curve ball? My husband has said that he would not get snipped if I really want another baby. He said we could revisit the idea when the baby is about 18 months. Instead of jumping for joy though, I'm kind of torn. As much as I want another baby, I had a plan!!! Another baby doesn't fit into that plan. I can't afford to have 2 kids in daycare, so going to school wouldn't be worth it. If I found a job as a CNA on the weekends that I really enjoyed, I could do that with 2 kids, but I think my husband would kill me! I don't think he would be okay staying at home with 4 kids for 12 hours at a time, especially when the youngest would be an infant.

I had finally accepted that our family was complete, and for good reason, and now I just don't know. I know that there are no guarantees in life, and even if we decided to have another one, we would have to do IVF again. It worked once, but what if it didn't work the next time? What if we had a baby with special needs? But what if we could finally have a girl? Or a boy who actually looked like me? I love being pregnant, and I would love to have another baby, but I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. Besides, he just said we would table the discussion until the baby is 18 months old. He didn't say he would agree to it.

So now I need a new plan...but it looks like that plan is going to have to be flexible. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Trying for a Girl

Why is it that when a family has children that are all the same sex, everyone wants them to "try again" for the opposite sex? It's as if having children that are all the same sex is somehow less desireable than having one (or some) of each. When a family has a boy and a girl, noone wants to know when/if they are going to have another child. They just assume that they have the "perfect" family and won't need any more.

When I was pregnant with my third child, my husband and my boys all wanted me to have a girl. I was the only one who wanted another boy. For me, having another boy was going to be easier. I know boys. I am comfortable with boys. And besides, my best friend has 3 girls, so I could get my girl fix anytime I wanted. When we found out that it was indeed going to be another boy, I had a brief moment of disappointment, but it wasn't anything major. Don't get me wrong...I wasn't disappointed that it was another boy. That's what I wanted, remember?! I was disappointed that it was my last child and I would never here those 3 words, "It's a girl!" Once the moment passed, I was thrilled that I would have 'My 3 sons.' I couldn't wait to decide on a name and paint the nursery. I couldn't wait to see which one of his brothers he would look like.

And still, once he was born and I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms, people still asked if I was planning on trying for a girl! Is it so unbelievable that I would be happy with the gender of my children? Is it crazy to think that 3 boys are enough, and I don't need a girl to feel fulfilled? My gorgeous family is complete and perfect just the way it is. I, for one, will not be trying for a girl!

Just When You Think You're the Only One

In the world of infertility women are usually aware that they are not the only one having trouble conceiving. Inevitably though, at some point it will seem like every woman that she knows either knows someone pregnant, or is pregnant herself but doesn't want to be insensitive by sharing the news. She begins to feel like the odds are against her and that maybe if she was a teenager hooked on drugs, she would be able to conceive freely. She begins to wonder what she did to deserve this, and ask why it's so easy for some, but so difficult for her. Did she do something in her past life to piss off the Gods? Should she have even bothered with birth control all of those years? Is a pregnancy (or another one) really within her reach?

I spent a week with a childhood friend over the 4th of July. The first night that she was here we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about trying to conceive and infertility. It was a topic that I thought she knew nothing about...boy was I wrong!!! I found out that she had PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which she assumed I knew nothing about) and had had 2 miscarriages. She and her husband have a beautiful 2 year old daughter but are hoping to give her a sibling. She's on Clomid for the first time and we talked about my experiences with it. We talked about the roller coaster ride of seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when you're sure it was your month.

It turns out that just when you think you're the only one you know struggling with infertility, a friend decides to share her struggles and makes you realize that you're not alone after all. It's comforting to know that someone in your own circle understands your plight.

Does Size Matter?

I recently had a conversation about children with one of my only single friends. She is in a serious, long term relationship that she hopes will soon turn to marriage and a family. She is aware of our efforts to conceive a third child and is bewildered at the thought of wanting more than two children. So I began to give her my reasons for wanting a bigger family and I'll share them with you now. They may seam a little nutty, but believe me, they all play a factor in why I think that family size matters. I have several, more personal reasons for wanting another child, but these pertain to why more is better for me.

1) What if one of my sons is gay and/or never has kids? My other grandchildren, if I have any, will not have any cousins to play with from our side of the family. This would also limit the number of grandchildren that I may someday have. I come from a small family. I have only one brother and he is still single. My kids are the only grandchildren that my mother has, and maybe all that she will ever have. While that makes Christmas a little cheaper, it probably doesn't make up for the fact that she always dreamed of seeing my brother with his own children. It doesn't make up for the fact that she may never have a mother/son dance at a wedding, because it doesn't look like there may ever be a wedding.

2) What if one of my children is diagnosed with a fatal disease or is killed in an accident? Due to recent events, I am all to aware that this can and does happen. The ramifications for the child left at home are not good. He would lose his playmate, his sibling, his confident and his future best man. Not to mention that I would have one child who would have the burden of taking care of DH and I when we get older. He would be the one responsible for life or death situation when my husband and/or I are incapacitated to make those decisions. That's not fair. He would need someone to talk to that has every bit as much at stake as he would.

3) What if I never have a girl, and I don't get along with the women that my sons bring home? Will I ever know that mother/daughter bond? Will I ever be present for the birth of my grandchildren? Although my mother and I don't have a close bond (I was much closer to my father when he was alive), I do appreciate the things that we share because we are both women. I love that she was able to be with me in the hospital for the birth of my children. I love that she supported me when I was breastfeeding, and then supported me when it was time for me to wean them. I want to be that kind of support for somebody. I want to have that relationship.

4) What if my husband or I die prematurely and they are left without one of their parents while still living at home? Siblings are a great comfort, and the more there are, the more comfort they would have. I wouldn't want my sons to go through something like that alone. Even though they would have each other, one of them would probably go off by himself to deal with things, leaving the other one to fend for himself in his grief. How horrible would that be?

5) What if one or both of my sons move away from me, because boys tend to move closer to their wives' families? When they're older and we have holiday parties or family celebrations, if one of them doesn't show, then it's just mom, dad and son. It's not the same dynamic as if there were 3 or 4 children there. I love the Thanksgiving dinners that we shared with my mom's family. She had 2 sisters and 5 brothers, so there was never a shortage of family around. The holidays were full of family traditions and togetherness. I had a ton of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents to love, and who loved me. A smaller family doesn't mean less love, but it does mean less family.

I do realize that all of this sounds a little tongue in cheek, and the arguments are weak, at best. However, they are all very real thoughts of mine that keep my pushing to have more children. I love the children that I have and I would be happy if our family didn't continue to grow. I wouldn't love my boys any less, and I would eventually forget all of the things that right now I think I would miss out on. But as long as I'm young and healthy, and have the means to support another child comfortably, I am going to keep trying. Besides, 3 is the new 2, right?

Welcome to the World of Infertility

I have two children that were conceived easily and quickly using the usual, natural conception methods. We had sex, and two weeks later we had a positive home pregnancy test. We thought that after our second was born, that we were done having kids, though no measures were taken to make our decision permanent. I've always said that since I had the kids, my husband would be the one to get "fixed." Thank goodness he didn't, because around Thanksgiving 2005 we decided that our family might not be complete. I had my IUD removed the next week and we immediately began trying to conceive #3.

To our surprise, we didn't get pregnant right away like we had in the past. In fact, we still have not conceived! Since my last child was born, my OB retired so I was seeing a new doctor. He wasn't very aggressive with treatment or testing until we had been trying for a year. I tried charting my temperatures, along with my cervical position and cervical fluid for 6 months, and we still didn't get pregnant. Finally I was tested and found that I was ovulating regularly and didn't have any tubal blockage or ovarian cysts. My husband had his sperm tested and the first specimen showed low motility. I researched on the web and found that L-carnitine and vitamin C had a positive effect on a man's sperm. He began taking the supplements immediately and his second sperm analysis, 3 months later, showed a significant improvement. His results were considered normal, but we still weren't getting pregnant.

After 14 months of not conceiving, I asked for a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We went for our initial consultation and I absolutely adored the staff and the RE. She said that a rather mild intervention should be very successful for us. My file says that I have unspecified secondary infertility. Yipee! She suggested 5 days of clomid, an HCG trigger shot (Ovidrel) and IUI. We were on board 100% and began treatment the very next cycle. I was put on progesterone suppositories (They go in the va-jay-jay!) to lengthen the second half of my cycle. Luckily I was able to insert them at night before going to sleep, so the inconvenience was minimal. The inconvenience to my sex life, however, was great! It took much more planning if we wanted to be intimate, because it had to be done before I inserted the progesterone suppository. Planning has never been my strong suit, so you can imagine how often my husband got lucky!!!

Anyway, the first cycle didn't work, so I am now on a break from TTC. We are headed to Mexico in May, and I don't want to have to think about it while I'm on vacation. In June we will begin cycle #2. This time I will be taking Letrozole/Femara instead of clomid. We will do another IUI with the Ovidrel and progesterone. With any luck, we will win the battle against infertility on our next cycle. If not, we will try, try again!

The most important thing that I have learned from the roller coaster of infertility is that one should never take her fertility for granted. I made several decisions, including switching employers, based on the assumption that I would conceive quickly. I started thinking about baby names, and picked out nursery bedding, all before our journey really got started. I never thought that we would be affected by infertility. I never thought that I might not be blessed with the as many children as I chose to have. I have had to surrender to fate and realize that it may be out of my hands.