It's Been 6 Years

Today marks the 6th anniversary since my father's death. I have been looking through old pictures tonight, just to feel closer to him and relive some memories. I found the following passage that I wrote the year he died. I never published it, or shared it with anyone before now. It's a painful reminder of just how hard those days were, but I'm glad that I wrote it down. It reminds me that good things happened that year too! 

The day that I have been dreading for weeks is finally here.  This is the first Father’s Day since Pop passed away. I’ve tried to focus on my husband, making this day as special as I can for him, but it’s been hard not to let my mind wonder.  It’s Father’s Day and I don’t have a father to visit, call, or send a card to.  I’m only 29 years old, and already I’ve been denied that opportunity. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Yesterday was Logan’s last T-ball game of the season and the coach gave Aidan a jersey and let him take the last at bat. The look on his face was priceless, and all I could think was that my dad would have been so proud of him. He hit the ball on the first swing and they let him run all of the bases. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him smile so big. I wish my dad could have seen him. I wish he could have seen Logan play pitcher and hit the ball into the outfield. I wish that he could teach my boys all that he taught me about baseball when I was young.

There are so many things that I wish for, but more than anything I just wish that I had one more day with him. I would tell him how much his unconditional love and support has meant to me over the years. I would tell him that no matter what, he will always be my hero, and I hope that I made him proud. I would reminisce about the old days with all of the hockey games, the trips to New Hampshire, the pool parties and the boyfriends that were never good enough for me in his eyes. I would sit with him and look at pictures of Christmas with Naoelle, and all of the vacations that we took to Mexico together. I would even watch the old M.A.S.H. reruns that I so frequently protested about when I was at his house. I would do anything that made him happy, if only I could have the chance.

I guess that I am luckier than some. When Pop died I didn’t have any regrets. I always told him that I loved him when I spoke to him on the phone. We spoke frequently and for long periods of time. He was a great listener.  I had also just spent Christmas with him and the rest of my family. I was scheduled to work that Christmas Eve, and when I didn’t go into work that day, I lost my job. My boss asked me, “What’s four hours away from your family, in the grand scheme of things?”  Little did we all know that that would be my last Christmas Eve with my Father. Spending that time with him and my family was well worth losing that job.  Those were four hours that I would never be able to get back, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.  So I have no regrets about the time that I spent with him, or the things that I said or didn’t say. I loved him everyday of my life, and he loved me with all of his heart.  That is what I hang onto now that he’s gone; that and all of our memories. 

My Dad and I on my wedding day

7 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day With Your Kids

On April 22, 1970, over 20 million Americans participated in demonstrations and protests across the US to bring attention to environmental issues. Senator Gaylord Nelson from Wisconsin founded the "national teach-in" about the environment, which became known as Earth Day. It was the start of the environmental movement in the United States and, subsequently, worldwide. The first Earth Day resulted in the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency and several key pieces of environmental legislation. Since 1970, Earth Day has been celebrated every year.  In 2009 the United Nations designated April 22 as International Mother Earth Day. More than a billion people across the globe participate in Earth Day activities each year.  

For more information about the history of Earth Day and 

the campaigns led by the Earth Day Network 

please visit www.earthday.org.

The theme for 2012's Earth Day is "A Billion Acts of Green."  You can visit http://act.earthday.org/ to pledge your act of green. As of the writing of this post, there were almost 1 billion pledges!!!

So how can you help/participate?  There are so many ways to make changes in your life that encourage greener living. The basic idea follows the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle concept. Get outside, spend time with your family learning about the environment and our impact on it, and make changes to minimize that impact.

Here are a few things you can do with your kids (or students) to celebrate earth day:

We planted a Flowering Red Plum Tree

1. Plant a tree in your yard. We did this in 2010 and it was so much fun! Trees filter harmful dust and pollutants from the air we breathe, improving our air quality. They also emit oxygen that we need to breathe, and provide food, protection and habitats for birds and animals. 

2. Go on a nature hike. Spending time outside with your kids is a great way to teach them to appreciate the environment, and the benefits that it provides. It is also a great opportunity to learn about the plant and animal life around you. The more your kids know about the environment, the more they should want to protect it!

3. Make crafts with items from you recycling bin. This is a great opportunity to repurpose items that you might otherwise throw away or recycle. You can turn a milk jug into a bird feeder, or try one of these other milk jug crafts. The internet is full of recycle craft ideas! 

4. Volunteer! Host an Earth Day event, or sign up to participate in one. You and your kids can help a non-profit plant some flowers, or pick up trash at a local park. It gets them involved and reminds them that we have to take care of our environment if we want to be able to continue to enjoy it. 

5. Cook a special Earth Day meal featuring local, organic produce. Buying from local farmers is a way to support your local economy and reduce your carbon footprint. 

6. Calculate your carbon footprint.  This is a great activity to do with older kids. It allows them to see what impact they are personally having, and how your family impacts the environment as a whole.

7. Make a list of changes your family can make to limit your carbon footprint. Be sure to include the small changes you can make to conserve energy, such as turning lights off, using less air conditioning, unplugging electronics not in use. Then move on to the bigger things like recycling, riding a bicycle or walking instead of driving, planting a garden, etc. This is an activity that you can involve the whole family in.  Be creative!

This is just a short list of simple ways that you can get your children involved in Earth Day. You can do most of these activities year round too! Do you have any Earth Day traditions? Why not start a new one?

Get Your Children to Do Chores Without Being Nagged!

My oldest boys are 8 and 10. They have been asking for a while if they can earn an allowance. Every time they ask, I tell them the same thing. "When you do the things you are supposed to do, regularly and without constant reminders, you can then do extra things to earn money." I don't believe in paying kids to do the everyday things that they need to do. Being a part of a family means you take care of your own things and help out with a few other things. I don't get paid to make dinner, or do the laundry, so why should my kids get paid to pick up after themselves?  I've been trying for a long time to come up with a way to put them in control of their chores without increasing the burden on me to keep track and/or nag. Here is what I came up with.

Everyday, Monday through Friday, they can earn one "token" for doing the things that are required of them daily, such as hanging up their book bags, putting their shoes away, putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, hanging up wet towels after a shower, etc. I haven't decided what I'm going to use for a token yet, but it will be something visual, like a marble, a poker chip or a ping pong ball. They'll each be placed in a can/jar that the boys have decorated.  At the end of the school week, they can count up the tokens that they have earned and that will be the number of dollars that they can earn by doing other things.

To make it easy I will post the daily requirements where they can both see them. They will be able to refer to it as many times as necessary to make sure they're doing what they need to to earn the token. I won't give them constant reminders, and I won't nag. If they don't do it, they don't get a token. Simple as that!

On the weekends, they will have a list of chores/duties that they can do and each one will have a payout assigned to it. Since nobody likes to pick up the dog poop in the back yard, that one will probably be worth $5 (the max amount they can earn). Something easier like wiping the counter in the bathroom with a Clorox wipe, will probably only earn $1. I'm still working on all of the things that I want to put on the list, but I plan to include things that will make my life easier like: changing the sheets on your bed, windexing the sliding glass door, cleaning toilets, helping make dinner, setting the dinner table, clearing the dinner dishes, etc. The payout values will be based on how much it helps me, and how often I think they'll choose it. If they don't earn the entire amount by the end of the weekend, they lose their chance. Tokens won't roll over to the next week.

I'm very hopeful that it works as well as I think it will. The boys are excited and my husband is even on board! Next week will be our first week, so I'll let you know how it goes!

Have you tried anything similar to this? Did it work? What would you change?

Getting Through the Holidays

Our last Vermont Thanksgiving

For me, the holidays have always been a joyful time of year. Time to be with family, be grateful for what we have, make some good memories. This year is the first year that we are celebrating without either of my parents, and it is hard. Really hard.

Growing up, we spent Thanksgiving with my mother’s side of the family. Everyone would get together at my grandparents’ house and we would share in all of the responsibilities that go along with feeding and entertaining 20-30 children and adults.  It was the day that Christmas card photos were taken and memories were made. We sang, we played games, we ate and we laughed. I have so many memories of that time spent with my family, and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. I want that for my kids. I hope that they will one day cherish their memories of the holidays as I do mine.

I managed to get through Thanksgiving pretty well, mostly because I was busy spending time with my husband’s family, and trying to make the holiday special for the kids. Now it’s December, and all eyes are on Christmas, but I’m having a hard time feeling the joy of Christmas that is usually radiating from me this time of year.

                                         

It’s December, the “Season of Giving,” and I have only bought a few small things at Five Below. I’ve only made half a batch of cookies, and my wish list is only 2 items long. I just can’t seem to get into it this year. Of course, because I have kids, I am faking it the best way I know how - by sticking with tradition.  I made shortbread cookies and we all decorated the tree together while listening to Christmas music. I hung our stockings and put up the rest of the decorations. The hard part came when the boys went to bed, and it was just my husband and I in the living room, looking at the tree and listening to the music. Sitting there in the dim light from the Christmas tree, all I could think about was what I was missing: my Mom and her exuberant laugh, and my Dad with his warm smile and generous spirit. Looking at their stockings hung above the fireplace made me realize that for the first time, neither of them would be filled Christmas morning. There would be no extra presents under the tree. I haven’t sat in the living room since.

My father died two weeks after Christmas, almost 5 years ago, and the pain has lessened, but it’s not gone. My mother died almost 4 months ago, and the pain from her passing has only been pushed aside by sheer willpower on my part to keep it out. My resolve is crumbling though, and it’s getting harder every day to keep my feelings at bay. I want to feel the spirit of Christmas. I want to sing Christmas songs with my kids, and get excited with them for Christmas morning. Instead I am dreading the whole thing. I wish I could put my head under my pillow until it all blows over…but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to find a way to make this holiday just as special as those in the past, for me and my family!  I may shed a few tears along the way, but I guess that is to be expected. I still have 3 beautiful, healthy children and a husband who adores me. I have a sister in France, and a brother in California who will be here to share the holidays with us, and we will make plenty of new memories together. I owe it to my kids. I owe it to my parents.

ETA: This post was written a few weeks ago and was scheduled to post, but didn't. Last week I made 4 batches of cookies and today I finally went Christmas shopping. I've also spent some time alone in the living room, and it's not as haunting as it was at first. I'm getting there! :)

Be Careful What You Wish For

Have you ever gotten exactly what you wished for, and then wonder why you wanted it in the first place? The reason I haven't blogged AT ALL in the last 5 months is because I got a job. A full time job. Something just for me, so I could feel fulfilled. Yay me! I also now have guilt, stress, exhaustion and a longing for the way things were.

Until recently I had not worked full time since I becoming a mother, except for when I was a nanny and took my oldest son to work with me. Since then I have worked as a server and bartender,  and I have been a real estate agent for a few different local firms. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who is willing to stay home with the kids while I work nights and weekends. He does a good share of the household chores and he does most of the cooking. I really can't complain. But I did.

As much as I loved being home with my kids, I didn't feel like my work was fulfilling to me personally. I felt unchallenged intellectually, and felt my chances of using the education that my parents paid for were slipping away with each passing day.  In addition, as the kids got older, and we had more of them, I started to resent having to share my nights and weekends with work obligations. It was necessary for me to be earning something, but I didn't want to give up my family time to do it. So my solution was to put my youngest son in daycare and get a full time day job. I wanted to prove (mostly to myself) that I was more than "just a mom" with a sewing machine, a crazy sweet tooth and a blog. I needed to show the world that I had more to offer and I could do it between the hours of 9am and 5pm, so my family time would be uninterrupted.

So about 6 months ago I applied for a job with a small staffing agency. The owner saw something in me that she could work with and she ended up offering me the Staffing Coordinator position with her company. She said I would be difficult to "sell" to her clients because I had never had a full-time office job, but I had a lot of marketable and translatable skills that she could utilize and enhance upon. I was thrilled. Ecstatic even! Finally, somebody saw me as something other than a wife, mother, or caretaker.

I began my job in June and by July I had already received a raise. By August I was on the fast track to becoming a senior recruiter and the head of business development. I felt like a million bucks! I never saw coming what happened next.

On the way home from work one day I received a phone call that my mother was in the hospital. Three weeks later, and on my son's 3rd birthday, she died. It.was.awful. I'll save the details for another time, but suffice it to say that after losing 2 parents in 4 years, I was very overwhelmed with grief. I managed to suppress that grief by focusing on my job, and all of the new obligations that my mother's death bestowed upon me. But instead of giving me comfort, my job has done nothing but cause me more stress. I am just trading one emotion for another.

It's amazing how the death of a loved one causes us to reorganize our priorities. All of a sudden, my need to feel fulfilled seems so petty compared to the needs of my family. I had everything that I (previously) wanted, but I was no longer happy! I probably should have quit my job immediately when my mother got sick, but hind sight is always 20/20, right?! I didn't quit right then for a number of reasons, but mainly it was because I'm a chicken and I hate confrontation.  It's also because I have been trained and groomed more than any person in my position before me. I am literally half of our staff, and my boss has come to rely on me heavily.

It was so hard to tell her that I needed to leave, but I finally did it. It was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders! My last day is December 16th and I am looking forward to spending more time with my friends and family, and giving back through volunteering!

Potty Training my 2 Year Old

Once upon a time there was a girl (me) who said she would never be the kind of mom to talk about her children's bowel movements and potty habits in public. She swore that it was unnecessary and rather gross. That was a lot of years ago, and she has since grown up to be a suburban mom of 3 boys. Now, nothing is off limits, especially potty training!

Today, my youngest son, who is not quite 2 and a half, peed on the potty for the first time! He had previously only pooped on the potty, and that was only because it was right next to the tub and I caught him just in time! This time I asked him to sit on the potty and stay there until he peed...and he did!

We've been talking about potty training for some time now, but I've been lazy had a lot going on! The kids were tracked out for most of January and then they were all sick. They're all finally healthy again, and in an attempt to save money, my youngest is no longer going to preschool 2 days a week. So I fear that I have no more excuses and it's time to get on the stick!

What are the chances that I could have 3 boys who were all potty trained before they turned 3? My oldest trained at 2.5. We moved into a new house and gave him about a week to get settled before we took his diapers away. He did fantastic! He only ever had 1 accident and it was at night, while we were on vacation. My second son was trained a few months before turning 3, and he took a little bit more work, but still trained fairly quickly. I don't remember a lot of accidents during the day and only a few at night. I can only hope that my third son follows in the footsteps of his brothers!

I have to admit that this moment is bittersweet. I am so excited to be on the precipice of never having to buy diapers again, but the end of diapers signifies an end of babyhood! I am not looking forward to the extra laundry or going out in public for the first time without a diaper, but all in all, this is a good thing! My little man is growing up, and as sad as I am about that, this is an important milestone. He too will join the big boy club and start moving toward independence. I'm terrified and thrilled at the same time.

How did you handle your last child growing up? Did you hold onto babyhood as long as possible or encourage independence from day one?

A Day of Thanks

All month long I watched my friends write what they were thankful for on their Facebook pages. Most of the posts were pretty similar, with most people very thankful for their families, friends, jobs, houses, etc. Today I'd like to tell you all what I am most thankful for this year...my wonderful husband!

If you know me in real life then you know that I married an incredible man, but I don't always appreciate him the way that I should. He works very hard every day so that he can provide for our family. He never complains when I don't have any real estate business and can't contribute to the family bank account. He also never complains when I spend money from said account without checking with him first!

Not only does my husband provide for me and our family, he is the wheel that keeps this family turning! He plans our Disney vacations, and does most of the packing for the trip (minus the clothes). He keeps up with the laundry way more efficiently than I ever could, and he does a good deal of the cooking too! The rest of the household chores are fairly evenly split. He cleans the downstairs and I clean the upstairs! Unfortunately that means I get to clean both of the full bathrooms, but he does so much that even I can't complain!

Did I mention that my dear husband also coaches both of our older boys' soccer teams?! Well, he does. He puts his heart and soul into it too, even when the 6-9 year olds are making him crazy! He does it so that they can continue to play on a team with the same kids they have always played with.  And he does it because his sons want him to. He is good like that!

Want to know the best thing about my husband though? It's not that he's a good housekeeper, which he really is. It's not that he's the best father I know, which he definitely is. It's not even that he is so laid back and easy going that I almost always get my way- which I do 99% of the time. The best thing about my husband is that he adores me...unconditionally!

He puts up with my wild mood swings and periodic temper tantrums. He knows when I need to just get out of the house for a bit without any children in tow, and he doesn't pout about being left home with all 3 of them. He understands how I get when I'm really into researching something and I just can't put the computer down, sometimes until 3am. Any man who can put up with me for 10 years and counting is a saint in my book. It is often a thankless job, but I'm so glad he is willing to stick with it! He is the glue that holds this family together and I can't imagine making it through this world without him!

So on this Thanksgiving Day and everyday, I am thankful for the most amazing husband I could have asked for, and the life that we have together with our 3 boys!

Trying for a Girl

Why is it that when a family has children that are all the same sex, everyone wants them to "try again" for the opposite sex? It's as if having children that are all the same sex is somehow less desireable than having one (or some) of each. When a family has a boy and a girl, noone wants to know when/if they are going to have another child. They just assume that they have the "perfect" family and won't need any more.

When I was pregnant with my third child, my husband and my boys all wanted me to have a girl. I was the only one who wanted another boy. For me, having another boy was going to be easier. I know boys. I am comfortable with boys. And besides, my best friend has 3 girls, so I could get my girl fix anytime I wanted. When we found out that it was indeed going to be another boy, I had a brief moment of disappointment, but it wasn't anything major. Don't get me wrong...I wasn't disappointed that it was another boy. That's what I wanted, remember?! I was disappointed that it was my last child and I would never here those 3 words, "It's a girl!" Once the moment passed, I was thrilled that I would have 'My 3 sons.' I couldn't wait to decide on a name and paint the nursery. I couldn't wait to see which one of his brothers he would look like.

And still, once he was born and I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms, people still asked if I was planning on trying for a girl! Is it so unbelievable that I would be happy with the gender of my children? Is it crazy to think that 3 boys are enough, and I don't need a girl to feel fulfilled? My gorgeous family is complete and perfect just the way it is. I, for one, will not be trying for a girl!

It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost, Than Never to Have Loved At All

Is it really? When you lose someone you care deeply for, the hurt is so strong that it is almost unbearable. You would do almost anything to make that pain go away…but would you wish that that love never existed, so the loss wouldn’t be so monumental? For me, the answer is an emphatic NO WAY!

I had a wonderful relationship with my father for most of my life. He wasn’t perfect, and we definitely had our differences, especially when I was a snotty, know-it-all teenager, but we always managed to work things out. By the time I was an adult, he had become my rock- even more so than my husband. He was always there to talk to, comfort and counsel me, and tell me how much he loved me. He was a good father-in-law to my husband, with whom he could always sit down and enjoy a beer. He was a wonderful and generous grandfather to my children and a great friend to anyone in need. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, and would never expect anything in return. I believe it is his love, and the example that he set in his life that has helped make me who I am today.

I lost my father when he was 54 years old, which was way too early in my book! I know that there are things that I could have still learned from him. When I get to thinking about all of the things that he won’t be here for, I have to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am. I had his love and wisdom for 29 years and I have to remember all of the things that he was there for, and how many memories we made while he was alive. He taught me how to ride a bike, helped me learn to play softball, and was always available to proofread my school papers. He watched me graduate from high school and college, he walked me down the aisle and danced with me at my wedding, and he was able to meet and build a relationship with my boys. I will be forever grateful for our time together, and even though it still hurts like hell, I know that I am a better person for loving him. It really is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Just When You Think You're the Only One

In the world of infertility women are usually aware that they are not the only one having trouble conceiving. Inevitably though, at some point it will seem like every woman that she knows either knows someone pregnant, or is pregnant herself but doesn't want to be insensitive by sharing the news. She begins to feel like the odds are against her and that maybe if she was a teenager hooked on drugs, she would be able to conceive freely. She begins to wonder what she did to deserve this, and ask why it's so easy for some, but so difficult for her. Did she do something in her past life to piss off the Gods? Should she have even bothered with birth control all of those years? Is a pregnancy (or another one) really within her reach?

I spent a week with a childhood friend over the 4th of July. The first night that she was here we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about trying to conceive and infertility. It was a topic that I thought she knew nothing about...boy was I wrong!!! I found out that she had PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which she assumed I knew nothing about) and had had 2 miscarriages. She and her husband have a beautiful 2 year old daughter but are hoping to give her a sibling. She's on Clomid for the first time and we talked about my experiences with it. We talked about the roller coaster ride of seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when you're sure it was your month.

It turns out that just when you think you're the only one you know struggling with infertility, a friend decides to share her struggles and makes you realize that you're not alone after all. It's comforting to know that someone in your own circle understands your plight.

Does Size Matter?

I recently had a conversation about children with one of my only single friends. She is in a serious, long term relationship that she hopes will soon turn to marriage and a family. She is aware of our efforts to conceive a third child and is bewildered at the thought of wanting more than two children. So I began to give her my reasons for wanting a bigger family and I'll share them with you now. They may seam a little nutty, but believe me, they all play a factor in why I think that family size matters. I have several, more personal reasons for wanting another child, but these pertain to why more is better for me.

1) What if one of my sons is gay and/or never has kids? My other grandchildren, if I have any, will not have any cousins to play with from our side of the family. This would also limit the number of grandchildren that I may someday have. I come from a small family. I have only one brother and he is still single. My kids are the only grandchildren that my mother has, and maybe all that she will ever have. While that makes Christmas a little cheaper, it probably doesn't make up for the fact that she always dreamed of seeing my brother with his own children. It doesn't make up for the fact that she may never have a mother/son dance at a wedding, because it doesn't look like there may ever be a wedding.

2) What if one of my children is diagnosed with a fatal disease or is killed in an accident? Due to recent events, I am all to aware that this can and does happen. The ramifications for the child left at home are not good. He would lose his playmate, his sibling, his confident and his future best man. Not to mention that I would have one child who would have the burden of taking care of DH and I when we get older. He would be the one responsible for life or death situation when my husband and/or I are incapacitated to make those decisions. That's not fair. He would need someone to talk to that has every bit as much at stake as he would.

3) What if I never have a girl, and I don't get along with the women that my sons bring home? Will I ever know that mother/daughter bond? Will I ever be present for the birth of my grandchildren? Although my mother and I don't have a close bond (I was much closer to my father when he was alive), I do appreciate the things that we share because we are both women. I love that she was able to be with me in the hospital for the birth of my children. I love that she supported me when I was breastfeeding, and then supported me when it was time for me to wean them. I want to be that kind of support for somebody. I want to have that relationship.

4) What if my husband or I die prematurely and they are left without one of their parents while still living at home? Siblings are a great comfort, and the more there are, the more comfort they would have. I wouldn't want my sons to go through something like that alone. Even though they would have each other, one of them would probably go off by himself to deal with things, leaving the other one to fend for himself in his grief. How horrible would that be?

5) What if one or both of my sons move away from me, because boys tend to move closer to their wives' families? When they're older and we have holiday parties or family celebrations, if one of them doesn't show, then it's just mom, dad and son. It's not the same dynamic as if there were 3 or 4 children there. I love the Thanksgiving dinners that we shared with my mom's family. She had 2 sisters and 5 brothers, so there was never a shortage of family around. The holidays were full of family traditions and togetherness. I had a ton of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents to love, and who loved me. A smaller family doesn't mean less love, but it does mean less family.

I do realize that all of this sounds a little tongue in cheek, and the arguments are weak, at best. However, they are all very real thoughts of mine that keep my pushing to have more children. I love the children that I have and I would be happy if our family didn't continue to grow. I wouldn't love my boys any less, and I would eventually forget all of the things that right now I think I would miss out on. But as long as I'm young and healthy, and have the means to support another child comfortably, I am going to keep trying. Besides, 3 is the new 2, right?