Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls lately, and I feel like I need to write about it to help me process. What I had planned for the next few years is now up in the air. My plan was to start school in the fall to get my Surgical Technician certification. I was going to start working full time next year in the fall, and life would continue with us as a family of 5. Now I'm not sure that school is an option this year, or if we will someday be a family of 6.
So here is what happened...I went to take my math placement test at the community college that I planned to attend. I aced the test and everything was good, until the advisor told me that I would need to take anatomy and physiology BEFORE I could start the surg. tech program. According to their website A & P is part of the first semester of classes. I had no idea I would need that before I would be admitted! They only start classes for this program in the fall, so she said that I would be looking at fall 2010 to get started. Have I mentioned that that wasn't part of the plan? She said that I could add my name to the applicant "pool" but that they only take about 16 or so students out of about 30 and most of them will have already had A & P, putting me farther down on the list. I'm just so frustrated! I thought I had it all planned out and now I don't know what to do. I'm taking a CNA class starting in April, so hopefully I can get a weekend job with that until I start school...
My second curve ball? My husband has said that he would not get snipped if I really want another baby. He said we could revisit the idea when the baby is about 18 months. Instead of jumping for joy though, I'm kind of torn. As much as I want another baby, I had a plan!!! Another baby doesn't fit into that plan. I can't afford to have 2 kids in daycare, so going to school wouldn't be worth it. If I found a job as a CNA on the weekends that I really enjoyed, I could do that with 2 kids, but I think my husband would kill me! I don't think he would be okay staying at home with 4 kids for 12 hours at a time, especially when the youngest would be an infant.
I had finally accepted that our family was complete, and for good reason, and now I just don't know. I know that there are no guarantees in life, and even if we decided to have another one, we would have to do IVF again. It worked once, but what if it didn't work the next time? What if we had a baby with special needs? But what if we could finally have a girl? Or a boy who actually looked like me? I love being pregnant, and I would love to have another baby, but I'm not sure it is the right thing to do. Besides, he just said we would table the discussion until the baby is 18 months old. He didn't say he would agree to it.
So now I need a new plan...but it looks like that plan is going to have to be flexible. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Staying Connected
I am just amazed at how "connected" we all are, without actually speaking to people in person. I am a perfect example of this. I have 2 blogs, one about my family and this running commentary. I am addicted to Face.book and recently signed up with Twitt.er, all in an effort to be and stay connected to my friends and family. The thing that I find most amusing is that I would find out a whole lot more (most of the time) if I just picked up the phone and used some of my 800+ minutes! Are we really so busy that we can't make personal contact anymore?
I think it says something about our society as a whole that we would rather sign into Face.book and view from the outside, than actually being a part of someone else's life. Take for instance the high school friend you haven't spoken to in 10 or 15 years who recently sent you a "friend" request. Come on, you know you have one! You accept graciously because you're curious what he/she and his/her family look like. You want to know the gossip and see the pictures but not really talk to that person! Am I right?
The same goes for the blogs that we read. It's a great way to follow along with our friends' lives, but also a source of entertainment. Admit it, you feel better about your own life sometimes after you read a few blogs! Sometimes you might even learn a thing or two from a blog...like how to make something. I read a ton of craft blogs to get ideas for new things to make, but I would learn a lot faster and probably be a lot better at my craft if I actually took a class with (gasp) real people.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not advocating a disconnect from all of these things. Like most things in life, moderation and balance are key. So keep writing (and reading) blogs and sharing your life on Face.book and twitter. But take a little time to connect by voice or in person with those people you treasure. You'll be amazed at how good that makes you feel!
I think it says something about our society as a whole that we would rather sign into Face.book and view from the outside, than actually being a part of someone else's life. Take for instance the high school friend you haven't spoken to in 10 or 15 years who recently sent you a "friend" request. Come on, you know you have one! You accept graciously because you're curious what he/she and his/her family look like. You want to know the gossip and see the pictures but not really talk to that person! Am I right?
The same goes for the blogs that we read. It's a great way to follow along with our friends' lives, but also a source of entertainment. Admit it, you feel better about your own life sometimes after you read a few blogs! Sometimes you might even learn a thing or two from a blog...like how to make something. I read a ton of craft blogs to get ideas for new things to make, but I would learn a lot faster and probably be a lot better at my craft if I actually took a class with (gasp) real people.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not advocating a disconnect from all of these things. Like most things in life, moderation and balance are key. So keep writing (and reading) blogs and sharing your life on Face.book and twitter. But take a little time to connect by voice or in person with those people you treasure. You'll be amazed at how good that makes you feel!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Trying for a Girl
Why is it that when a family has children that are all the same sex, everyone wants them to "try again" for the opposite sex? It's as if having children that are all the same sex is somehow less desireable than having one (or some) of each. When a family has a boy and a girl, noone wants to know when/if they are going to have another child. They just assume that they have the "perfect" family and won't need any more.
When I was pregnant with my third child, my husband and my boys all wanted me to have a girl. I was the only one who wanted another boy. For me, having another boy was going to be easier. I know boys. I am comfortable with boys. And besides, my best friend has 3 girls, so I could get my girl fix anytime I wanted. When we found out that it was indeed going to be another boy, I had a brief moment of disappointment, but it wasn't anything major. Don't get me wrong...I wasn't disappointed that it was another boy. That's what I wanted, remember?! I was disappointed that it was my last child and I would never here those 3 words, "It's a girl!" Once the moment passed, I was thrilled that I would have 'My 3 sons.' I couldn't wait to decide on a name and paint the nursery. I couldn't wait to see which one of his brothers he would look like.
And still, once he was born and I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms, people still asked if I was planning on trying for a girl! Is it so unbelievable that I would be happy with the gender of my children? Is it crazy to think that 3 boys are enough, and I don't need a girl to feel fulfilled? My gorgeous family is complete and perfect just the way it is. I, for one, will not be trying for a girl!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
We've come a Long Way - But We're Not There Yet
Today, we have a new President-elect: Barack Obama. Obama will be the 44th President of the United States and the first African American President ever elected in this great nation! I am overjoyed at the renewed feelings of hope that many Americans have right now and I look forward to the change that is coming our way. I am proud that the people of this country were able to overlook race, for the most part, and vote based on the issues and ideologies that they believed in. Unfortunately, some of those ideologies included decreased rights for homosexuals in several states.
Yesterday, Californians voted on Proposition 8, a measure to ban gay marriages in their state by way of a constitutional amendment. Much to the chagrin of many Californians and Americans alike, that measure has seemingly passed (There are still 3 million absentee ballots to be counted with the yes vote leading 52%.). It adds a passage to the state constitution that says “only marriage between a man or a woman is valid or recognized in California.” What I find most troubling about the passing of Proposition 8 is that African Americans voted overwhelmingly for it! I would think that a group of people who understand what it is like to be discriminated against based on something out of your control would have voted for equality. Instead, they voted to ban same sex marriages by a margin as high as 3 to 1. That just astounds me. How can you demand equality for some Americans and not others?
Also voted on yesterday was a proposal in Arkansas that non-married couples, including homosexual couples (already constitutionally banned from being able to be married in that state), not be allowed to adopt or foster children. With all of the children in this world who need a good, loving home and parent s to care them, it is amazing to me that we would let anything stand in the way of qualified individuals willing and wanting to foster and adopt, based on marital status and/or sexual preference.
In Florida and Arizona residents voted to amend their state constitutions to limit marriage to opposite sex couples. Florida’s measure would also ban civil unions, something still allowed in several states.
So while this day marks a historic victory for African Americans and people of all colors, it has been a day of defeat for many in the gay, lesbian and bisexual community, proving that even though we have come a long way, we still do not value every American as equal.
Yesterday, Californians voted on Proposition 8, a measure to ban gay marriages in their state by way of a constitutional amendment. Much to the chagrin of many Californians and Americans alike, that measure has seemingly passed (There are still 3 million absentee ballots to be counted with the yes vote leading 52%.). It adds a passage to the state constitution that says “only marriage between a man or a woman is valid or recognized in California.” What I find most troubling about the passing of Proposition 8 is that African Americans voted overwhelmingly for it! I would think that a group of people who understand what it is like to be discriminated against based on something out of your control would have voted for equality. Instead, they voted to ban same sex marriages by a margin as high as 3 to 1. That just astounds me. How can you demand equality for some Americans and not others?
Also voted on yesterday was a proposal in Arkansas that non-married couples, including homosexual couples (already constitutionally banned from being able to be married in that state), not be allowed to adopt or foster children. With all of the children in this world who need a good, loving home and parent s to care them, it is amazing to me that we would let anything stand in the way of qualified individuals willing and wanting to foster and adopt, based on marital status and/or sexual preference.
In Florida and Arizona residents voted to amend their state constitutions to limit marriage to opposite sex couples. Florida’s measure would also ban civil unions, something still allowed in several states.
So while this day marks a historic victory for African Americans and people of all colors, it has been a day of defeat for many in the gay, lesbian and bisexual community, proving that even though we have come a long way, we still do not value every American as equal.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost, Than Never to Have Loved At All
Is it really? When you lose someone you care deeply for, the hurt is so strong that it is almost unbearable. You would do almost anything to make that pain go away…but would you wish that that love never existed, so the loss wouldn’t be so monumental? For me, the answer is an emphatic NO WAY!
I had a wonderful relationship with my father for most of my life. He wasn’t perfect, and we definitely had our differences, especially when I was a snotty, know-it-all teenager, but we always managed to work things out. By the time I was an adult, he had become my rock- even more so than my husband. He was always there to talk to, comfort and counsel me, and tell me how much he loved me. He was a good father-in-law to my husband, with whom he could always sit down and enjoy a beer. He was a wonderful and generous grandfather to my children and a great friend to anyone in need. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, and would never expect anything in return. I believe it is his love, and the example that he set in his life that has helped make me who I am today.
I lost my father when he was 54 years old, which was way too early in my book! I know that there are things that I could have still learned from him. When I get to thinking about all of the things that he won’t be here for, I have to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am. I had his love and wisdom for 29 years and I have to remember all of the things that he was there for, and how many memories we made while he was alive. He taught me how to ride a bike, helped me learn to play softball, and was always available to proofread my school papers. He watched me graduate from high school and college, he walked me down the aisle and danced with me at my wedding, and he was able to meet and build a relationship with my boys. I will be forever grateful for our time together, and even though it still hurts like hell, I know that I am a better person for loving him. It really is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
I had a wonderful relationship with my father for most of my life. He wasn’t perfect, and we definitely had our differences, especially when I was a snotty, know-it-all teenager, but we always managed to work things out. By the time I was an adult, he had become my rock- even more so than my husband. He was always there to talk to, comfort and counsel me, and tell me how much he loved me. He was a good father-in-law to my husband, with whom he could always sit down and enjoy a beer. He was a wonderful and generous grandfather to my children and a great friend to anyone in need. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, and would never expect anything in return. I believe it is his love, and the example that he set in his life that has helped make me who I am today.
I lost my father when he was 54 years old, which was way too early in my book! I know that there are things that I could have still learned from him. When I get to thinking about all of the things that he won’t be here for, I have to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am. I had his love and wisdom for 29 years and I have to remember all of the things that he was there for, and how many memories we made while he was alive. He taught me how to ride a bike, helped me learn to play softball, and was always available to proofread my school papers. He watched me graduate from high school and college, he walked me down the aisle and danced with me at my wedding, and he was able to meet and build a relationship with my boys. I will be forever grateful for our time together, and even though it still hurts like hell, I know that I am a better person for loving him. It really is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Just When You Think You're the Only One
In the world of infertility women are usually aware that they are not the only one having trouble conceiving. Inevitably though, at some point it will seem like every woman that she knows either knows someone pregnant, or is pregnant herself but doesn't want to be insensitive by sharing the news. She begins to feel like the odds are against her and that maybe if she was a teenager hooked on drugs, she would be able to conceive freely. She begins to wonder what she did to deserve this, and ask why it's so easy for some, but so difficult for her. Did she do something in her past life to piss off the Gods? Should she have even bothered with birth control all of those years? Is a pregnancy (or another one) really within her reach?
I spent a week with a childhood friend over the 4th of July. The first night that she was here we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about trying to conceive and infertility. It was a topic that I thought she knew nothing about...boy was I wrong!!! I found out that she had PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which she assumed I knew nothing about) and had had 2 miscarriages. She and her husband have a beautiful 2 year old daughter but are hoping to give her a sibling. She's on Clomid for the first time and we talked about my experiences with it. We talked about the roller coaster ride of seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when you're sure it was your month.
It turns out that just when you think you're the only one you know struggling with infertility, a friend decides to share her struggles and makes you realize that you're not alone after all. It's comforting to know that someone in your own circle understands your plight.
I spent a week with a childhood friend over the 4th of July. The first night that she was here we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about trying to conceive and infertility. It was a topic that I thought she knew nothing about...boy was I wrong!!! I found out that she had PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which she assumed I knew nothing about) and had had 2 miscarriages. She and her husband have a beautiful 2 year old daughter but are hoping to give her a sibling. She's on Clomid for the first time and we talked about my experiences with it. We talked about the roller coaster ride of seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when you're sure it was your month.
It turns out that just when you think you're the only one you know struggling with infertility, a friend decides to share her struggles and makes you realize that you're not alone after all. It's comforting to know that someone in your own circle understands your plight.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Does Size Matter?
I recently had a conversation about children with one of my only single friends. She is in a serious, long term relationship that she hopes will soon turn to marriage and a family. She is aware of our efforts to conceive a third child and is bewildered at the thought of wanting more than two children. So I began to give her my reasons for wanting a bigger family and I'll share them with you now. They may seam a little nutty, but believe me, they all play a factor in why I think that family size matters. I have several, more personal reasons for wanting another child, but these pertain to why more is better for me.
1) What if one of my sons is gay and/or never has kids? My other grandchildren, if I have any, will not have any cousins to play with from our side of the family. This would also limit the number of grandchildren that I may someday have. I come from a small family. I have only one brother and he is still single. My kids are the only grandchildren that my mother has, and maybe all that she will ever have. While that makes Christmas a little cheaper, it probably doesn't make up for the fact that she always dreamed of seeing my brother with his own children. It doesn't make up for the fact that she may never have a mother/son dance at a wedding, because it doesn't look like there may ever be a wedding.
2) What if one of my children is diagnosed with a fatal disease or is killed in an accident? Due to recent events, I am all to aware that this can and does happen. The ramifications for the child left at home are not good. He would lose his playmate, his sibling, his confident and his future best man. Not to mention that I would have one child who would have the burden of taking care of DH and I when we get older. He would be the one responsible for life or death situation when my husband and/or I are incapacitated to make those decisions. That's not fair. He would need someone to talk to that has every bit as much at stake as he would.
3) What if I never have a girl, and I don't get along with the women that my sons bring home? Will I ever know that mother/daughter bond? Will I ever be present for the birth of my grandchildren? Although my mother and I don't have a close bond (I was much closer to my father when he was alive), I do appreciate the things that we share because we are both women. I love that she was able to be with me in the hospital for the birth of my children. I love that she supported me when I was breastfeeding, and then supported me when it was time for me to wean them. I want to be that kind of support for somebody. I want to have that relationship.
4) What if my husband or I die prematurely and they are left without one of their parents while still living at home? Siblings are a great comfort, and the more there are, the more comfort they would have. I wouldn't want my sons to go through something like that alone. Even though they would have each other, one of them would probably go off by himself to deal with things, leaving the other one to fend for himself in his grief. How horrible would that be?
5) What if one or both of my sons move away from me, because boys tend to move closer to their wives' families? When they're older and we have holiday parties or family celebrations, if one of them doesn't show, then it's just mom, dad and son. It's not the same dynamic as if there were 3 or 4 children there. I love the Thanksgiving dinners that we shared with my mom's family. She had 2 sisters and 5 brothers, so there was never a shortage of family around. The holidays were full of family traditions and togetherness. I had a ton of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents to love, and who loved me. A smaller family doesn't mean less love, but it does mean less family.
I do realize that all of this sounds a little tongue in cheek, and the arguments are weak, at best. However, they are all very real thoughts of mine that keep my pushing to have more children. I love the children that I have and I would be happy if our family didn't continue to grow. I wouldn't love my boys any less, and I would eventually forget all of the things that right now I think I would miss out on. But as long as I'm young and healthy, and have the means to support another child comfortably, I am going to keep trying. Besides, 3 is the new 2, right?
1) What if one of my sons is gay and/or never has kids? My other grandchildren, if I have any, will not have any cousins to play with from our side of the family. This would also limit the number of grandchildren that I may someday have. I come from a small family. I have only one brother and he is still single. My kids are the only grandchildren that my mother has, and maybe all that she will ever have. While that makes Christmas a little cheaper, it probably doesn't make up for the fact that she always dreamed of seeing my brother with his own children. It doesn't make up for the fact that she may never have a mother/son dance at a wedding, because it doesn't look like there may ever be a wedding.
2) What if one of my children is diagnosed with a fatal disease or is killed in an accident? Due to recent events, I am all to aware that this can and does happen. The ramifications for the child left at home are not good. He would lose his playmate, his sibling, his confident and his future best man. Not to mention that I would have one child who would have the burden of taking care of DH and I when we get older. He would be the one responsible for life or death situation when my husband and/or I are incapacitated to make those decisions. That's not fair. He would need someone to talk to that has every bit as much at stake as he would.
3) What if I never have a girl, and I don't get along with the women that my sons bring home? Will I ever know that mother/daughter bond? Will I ever be present for the birth of my grandchildren? Although my mother and I don't have a close bond (I was much closer to my father when he was alive), I do appreciate the things that we share because we are both women. I love that she was able to be with me in the hospital for the birth of my children. I love that she supported me when I was breastfeeding, and then supported me when it was time for me to wean them. I want to be that kind of support for somebody. I want to have that relationship.
4) What if my husband or I die prematurely and they are left without one of their parents while still living at home? Siblings are a great comfort, and the more there are, the more comfort they would have. I wouldn't want my sons to go through something like that alone. Even though they would have each other, one of them would probably go off by himself to deal with things, leaving the other one to fend for himself in his grief. How horrible would that be?
5) What if one or both of my sons move away from me, because boys tend to move closer to their wives' families? When they're older and we have holiday parties or family celebrations, if one of them doesn't show, then it's just mom, dad and son. It's not the same dynamic as if there were 3 or 4 children there. I love the Thanksgiving dinners that we shared with my mom's family. She had 2 sisters and 5 brothers, so there was never a shortage of family around. The holidays were full of family traditions and togetherness. I had a ton of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents to love, and who loved me. A smaller family doesn't mean less love, but it does mean less family.
I do realize that all of this sounds a little tongue in cheek, and the arguments are weak, at best. However, they are all very real thoughts of mine that keep my pushing to have more children. I love the children that I have and I would be happy if our family didn't continue to grow. I wouldn't love my boys any less, and I would eventually forget all of the things that right now I think I would miss out on. But as long as I'm young and healthy, and have the means to support another child comfortably, I am going to keep trying. Besides, 3 is the new 2, right?
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